This post was written several weeks ago...and while some of my passion, emotion and heartache may have been reduced from boiling point to a low simmer, the heart of the message is still ringing true.
At the time it happened, it resembled something at the end of the movie It's a Wonderful Life, as if I'd just found Zuzu's petals in my pocket...I wanted anyone and everyone to know what God had revealed.
In the days and weeks following my mountaintop moment of realization, the excitement began to fizzle...and I stepped back into the mundane and the "soup" of day to day life. I had to figure out what it looked like to walk out my moment of clarity, when all the zeal had fallen out of my experience. So, I've had to adjust my attitude, and check my heart, it is, after all, where God seems to place a lot of concern.
So, with that thought, I give you the following post, and the recollection that "I'm not done."
The test of mountain-top experiences, of mysticism, of visions of God and of solitariness
is when you are "in the soup" of actual circumstances.
- Oswald Chambers, Shade of His Hand
Have you ever heard God's voice?
The voice of the Bridegroom.
The voice of Jesus.
I'm not crazy or anything...I don't hear voices.
But...I'm wondering if you have ever experienced one of those mountaintop moments when He finds a way to communicate, as C.S. Lewis says, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
Shall I quote another famous, poetic, ancient Christian? Some Tolkein could appear later, possibly some Chesterton (I like his spunky attitude) keep your eyes posted. =)
Truthfully though, I admire the words of those men.
Their wisdom, honesty, introspection and persistent curiosity for their journey with the gospel has challenged me in so many ways. Some of the most treasured relationships I have developed with Jesus began with the musings of these long ago men, and many a night I have thanked God for using them to further His kingdom.
Just days ago I sat up through the night, burdened heavily with a circumstance.
It seems as though over the years "circumstances beyond my control" have become some of the most difficult, aggravatingly pokey thorns in my side. They dig in and take root in my flesh and have the ability to make me act out in ways I later regret.
The circumstances I wrestled that night had been dealt with before. And while the details aren't necessary to share, I know my attitude and heart is important to reveal.
I sat in my living room in the late hours of the night, crying in frustration and struggling to trust God...and a few of His children.
At one point I muttered, "I'm done being in this situation, Lord. It's unfair and I'm. Just. Done."
And somewhere in the darkness I knew He called me.
As I sat curled up on the couch cushions I pictured the Bridegroom. I imagined Jesus listening earnestly in the chair nearest me and He leaned in close.
His gaze was gentle, his palms rested on his knees, and I found my eyes drawn to the gaping holes in his hands representing my own death and transgressions.
He appeared close and whispered, "tell me my girl, tell me how it's unfair..." and I knew He meant it.
That's the moment that broke me, when I found myself clinging to my selfish desires and tossing them at my savior as if He couldn't possibly understand...and I discovered myself completely humbled by His love in all my ridiculous frustration.
I fell asleep that night asking for Him to give me His heart. I nodded off after 1:00am, my simple prayer my last thought, "Lord give me your heart, give me your heart, give me your heart..."
God woke me just two hours later.
It was an internal nudge, a check in my spirit, as only He can do, and He whispered, "Are you ready for my heart now?"
I blinked a few times and tried to wipe the sleep from my eyes and the verse from Philippians 2 immediately struck me, "You must have the attitude that Christ Jesus had," followed briefly with the image of Jesus on the cross.
...and I knew the Bridegroom had spoken.
I understood in that moment that my heart and attitude of "I'm done," was wrong.
Jesus had the attitude of "It is finished..." and my attitude should be like that of Jesus. Jesus determined when the work was finished and God claimed the sacrifice to be enough. God had to determine when I was done.
The process of stripping away my attitude has not been easy...it's very much a two steps forward, three steps back dance with Jesus. But thank the Lord that His grace is sufficient for me, and He will Tango with me until it is finished.
My mountain top moment was ripe with emotion and significance, but in reality at some point I had to come off the mountain and truly walk in the day to day, scaling the mildest of hills in what God has called me to do.
Nothing has changed with my circumstances...but everything has changed with my heart and my attitude. My sticky thorn is still a bit prickly, but I can deal with that, since His strength is perfected in my weakness. And trust me...I'm feeling weak...but it's okay.
It's walking in the soup, the mundane, the day to day that I'm learning more about truly relying on Christ to endure than I ever did in my mountain top moment. My heart is softer too, more pliable and receptive to accept grace and dish it out in heaping spoonfuls. And I'll wait now, until He says, "This leg of the journey is done."
And, to stay true to form, I can't help but close with a quote from my old friend G.K. Chesterton, “One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak.”
Thanks for reading... H =)
